Teddy Bear

I met someone.. again.

You would think that after the heartache and heartbreak from my last relationship, I would take a sabatican from the love department. But here I am writing about a certain someone who I met and who I think I am in love with..

Our love story wouldn't interest a lot of romantics out there because it is not a story of love at first sight.. nor is it a story about damsels in distress. it also does not involve "sweeping someone off his or her feet".. No.. Nothing too dramatic.. but instead, it is a story that is as simple as it can get.. But nevertheless, for me, it's the sweetest and the best love story EVER.. =D

We met each other years ago.. way back during my high school days. We didn't really get to know each other that well, just met through some friends and exchanged HIs and HELLOs.. Several years had passed, and we would occasionally see each other in parties or gimiks, text each other quotes, greet each other during holidays, etc. But nothing remotely romantic ever occured...

But last February 9, 2005, he texted me, asking how I am doing.. I replied. We texted each other back and forth. Since then, our cellphones were glued to our hands. We would text each other everyday.. getting to know more and more about each other.. Liking what we were knowing about each other and falling more and more...

All I know is that he is different. He's nice, he's honest, he's funny, he's sweet and he's trustworthy... He is the type of person I need in my life. He is the kind of person who will hold your hand and take you for a stroll by the seashore (hey wait a minute, we did that). He's also the type of person who will write you short poems that will melt your heart (hehe he did that too..) I just can't believe that we waited all these years to get to know each other. Who would have thought we would learn to like each other and actually fall in love (hayy...).

Everytime I think about him, I can't help but think of a line that I read from the "The Alchemist" how the world conspires to help you get what you want.. Well, I want him. And the best thing about it is, everything is so perfect. Everything just seems to fall into place, without effort, without force, without trying.. His parents like me, my parents know him, my sister is his number one fan.. both our parents know each other.. How simple can life get?

Isn't it funny how some things don't work out the way you planned it but the end result is much better than you hoped for? Well, that's exactly how I feel.. I never planned on falling in love with my Teddy Bear. But here I am almost bursting with love and joy...

I made a vow to myself. I vowed that I would make this relationship work. If it would end, it would not end because there are shortcomings on my side... No more of that.. I will give my all. I will love him with no apprehensions nor fears.. I will let go of myself and let myself take the plunge because I know that somewhere, he will be there to break my fall.. I love him.. I really do. I can't wait for the time to tell him that I love him.. I can't wait for the next time that we'll see each other again..

I love you Teddy! And I am definitely looking forward to sharing the rest of my life with you. Mwah!

Thanks!

Thank you to all my friends who have remembered my birthday! Thank you for all the text messages, the emails, the phone calls, the greetings, everything! Thanks to everyone who went out of their way to make my birthday a special one.

Thanks to you for greeting me on my birthday even if you haven't texted me those times when I really needed you to.

Thanks to you for the flowers. It really made my day. I truly appreciate the gesture. The flowers are great! Thanks for being there for me after all these time. =)

I wasn't able to celebrate my birthday because I really had to work. But still, it had been a special one. No complains here.

THANKS!

Happy Birthday!!! ... to me.

Happy Birthday to.. me!

It's my birthday.. I am now officially 23 years old. No more 'I'm 22 going on 23'. I am 23 years old. =)

People might think me silly for being so happy that it's my birthday! And whyever not? I have a lot of things to be happy about! Yes, it's my birthday and though it might mean that I am getting older, I don't care - I still love celebrating my birthday. I still feel like a kid during my birthday, telling anyone who will listen that it is my birthday today, still expecting to be treated special because, really, it is my special day, and wearing red blouses to, well you know... =) That's how I am during my birthdays.. it's the only day I allow myself to feel like a kid again.

Another year has passed yet again.. In retrospect, I believe that my 22nd year had been special. A lot of things had happened which helped me grow more as a person. I now call my 22nd year as my 'coming out' year. My blooming year. haha. Well, I don't want to elaborate.

Being 23 doesn't mean that I have to start all over. It just means that I have yet another year to discover life, to discover myself and to live my dreams. It doesn't mean that since I am 23, I am different, because I am not.. all the 22 years that had passed will forever be a part of me. It had molded me to be who I am right now. And I know that whatever happens, those 22 years will be mine forever and no one can ever take that away from me. The memories, the laughter, the friends, the sadness, the triumph, the loneliness, the tears, everything. All of those are still part of me and will always be part of me. It has made me who I am right now.

No one knows what my 23rd year will bring to me.. I often wonder if this will be the year when I will finally meet THE ONE. Will this be year that I finally realize what i really want in life? Will things be better than my last year or will it be worse? Well, I really shouldn't worry that much because whatever happens in my 23rd year, as long as I have my 24th birthday, I will be fine. ;p

For you.. my Honey.. =(

Should I cry? Should I sulk? Should I brood for days and lock myself in my room until the pain goes away? What should I do? It hurts so much..

Admittedly, right now, all I want to do is to stay in my room, put on my best "i need to cry" cd, rest my head on my pillow and let the tears fall...

I can cry for days and think of what had happend and torment myself with the 'woulda, shoulda couldas'. I can continue blaming myself, I can curse you with all the foul words I know, for causing me all this pain or better yet, I can get even! I can lose myself and 'fall in love' with another person just to let you know that I can easily forget you.. that you are indeed 'expendable'..

But NO! I've already done a lot of stupid things in my life and I'm not about to add a few more in my long list.. I won't hurt someone else just because I am hurting. I won't pretend to hate you -because I don't.. I love you still and I think I will always love you.. You know that right?

What happened? Suddenly I felt that it's over. After a few days of bliss and happiness, it's suddenly over and I'm left dizzy from the rollercoaster ride I was in.

I'm sorry baby for hurting you.. But what can I do? Somehow, honestly, I didn't expect it to last.. Somehow, I knew we were going to have problems.. We are too different. You are too perfect..

How come you won't talk to me? Baby? Talk to me.. Tell me you don't love me anymore, tell me you found someone else, tell me you hate me.. tell me anything - just don't give me the cold shoulder... I need to talk to you, even for the last time.. I need to hear your voice. I need you to tell me that everything will be okay.. that we can be friends.. that we can get over this.

"I'll love you with all my heart and soul.." I did not lie when I told you that.. It's the truth.. I do love you hon.. More than you'll ever know.. more than anyone will ever know..

I'll never exchange the moments I had with you.. Those are one of the best times in my life.. I will never forget you honey.. NEVER. Please know that and please believe that.. You will always be my HONEY.. No one can take that away from me.. and I will always be your Honey.. I will always be here for you.. ='(

It's a very sad affair.. falling in love and then losing the person you love.. It hurts like hell! But, that's life.. you live, you learn, you fall down, but you get up..

in love and loving it!

I am in love!

Finally, after a very loooonnng time, I've finally fallen in love again. =) After one boyfriend, one out-of-this-world-unofficial relationship, two suitors and one admirer, I've finally fallen in love again! After all that bullshit I've mentioned about not committing to anyone and about working my ass off for that promotion I'm vying for, I have done the unthinkable, I'm in love and loving it!!

Who would think that it would only take me DAYS to fall in love with a person I barely know? It just happened in a snap! It was like a ride in a roller coaster, everything was going by very fast, everything was a blur, but you know where you are going.. you only have one destination.. For me, that's what it felt like when I fell in love.. there was only one place I'm going to, there was no one who can stop me, I have only one destination in mind, and that is in the arms of my one and only, my HONEY.

This is a perfect depiction of what one may call as a whirlwind romance.. I don't deny it. It is what it is.. He had swept me off my feet, it's as simple as that. I can honestly say that I have fallen head over heals with someone I had known for barely a week, I've gone steady with him after a few days of meeting him and now, I'm so deliriously happy and scared at the same time...

I know there are no guarantees, I know that there is a possibility that we might not last long.. But what the heck.. If I only have a few days, weeks, months or even years with him, then I'd rather spend it with him, loving him, holding him, touching him.. than spend it thinking about what could happen, what could go wrong, etc.. etc.. I believe that we were meant to find each other.. for whatever reason, I do not know. But maybe soon we'll find out.. For now, I am content in having him in my life.. Knowing what I know about him so far, getting to know MORE about him, and falling recklessly in love with him.. IF we do not end up together, it's okay.. I will live with the pain and the loneliness, but at least I've fallen in love again and is being loved by someone like him. I wouldn't give up these moments of happiness to save myself from any pain.. There will be no more WHAT IFs for me.. =D

sorry..

i'm sorry for hurting you.. i'm sorry if i caused you pain.. i never intended for it to happen.. but i had no choice. i had to tell you...
it's not you. it's me. i'm not ready for this. i may never be ready. but i had to tell you. i can't let things go on. i had to make it stop. i had to let go..
but i never thought that letting you go will hurt so much.. i am hurting because i know i hurt you.. but i had to.. believe me. i had to..
i am really sorry for making you feel that i am embarrassed to be with you.. maybe i am.. but not because of who you are.. but because i know i will not be able to offer you anything for you to be proud of me.. you are a special and a one of a kind person.. please do not think otherwise.. please do not think that there's something wrong with you.. i am sorry for all the bad things you might be feeling right now.. i truly am.. if things can be different, if i can change the way i feel, i would... for you.. but i can't.. not yet..
i dont deserve someone like you.. you've been nothing but sweet and thoughtful. while i've been stubborn and ungrateful.. i'm sorry.. it's the only way i can shy away from your brightness. i didn't know how to react. i'm overwhelmed.. i got scared. i am a coward.
Thank you.. it might be too late now, but thank you.. thank you for everything you've done for me.. thank you for showing me that someone like you can learn to care for someone like me.. thank you for being patient.. thank you for not telling me how much i hurt you because you don't want me to worry.. even when i've hurt you, you still thought of how i would feel.. thank you.. but nothing you say can make me believe that it's okay to hurt you. because it's not.. i don't have the right to hurt someone like you.. i'm sorry...
i do hope that in time, we can be friends. i know it sounds so cliche but that's what i really want. i really enjoy your company whether you believe it or not; eventhough you think i'm lying to you.. i'm not. i want us to be friends.. friends.. but nothing else. i can't offer you more.. i can't offer anyone anything more than friendship.. i just can't.. i need time for myself.. i need time to think..
sorry. that's all i can say.. i'm sorry that even though i want to take back all the words, i can't and i won't. i'm sorry.. it's for the best.. i promise...

Me! =)

Just felt like posting this... Something I wrote about myself during a sharing here in the office. =)

12 things you probably don't know about me.....
1. I used to weigh 140 pounds.. that was the summer before my first year in high school. luckily, medyo nabawasbawas naman na kahit pano.. hehe (i'll bring pics soon, just don't laugh.) =)
2. My closest friends know that they can call me LOGBI. that was my nickname since elementary.. kasi nga mataba me.. hehe and the fact that my chinese name is bi-lu.
3. My bestfriend is a guy. His name is Dave Judson Sy. And yes, he is just a friend.. although a lot of people can't seem to accept that. hehe. i've known him since first year high school. and he is the best friend you can ever ask for.
4. I have the biggest fear in injections.. when i see an injection, i feel faint and i cry.. literally.. lalo na pag actual blood extraction ang nakikita ko... feeling ko hihimatayin po ako... promise. maybe because laging pumapalpak ang extractions sa akin.. my veins collapse when they try to get blood so usually what happens is they transfer to my other arm... grabe as in from one arm to another and then back.. ganun ako kahirap kunan ng dugo kaya nga bilib me sobra sa mga nakaka-extract sa akin ng one try lang. =)
5. i used to smoke(sadly medyo bumalik cya nung nag busy season pero still, limited pa din ang pag smoke ko.. pag stressed lang talaga..hihi). used to, but not anymore.. hindi naman ako naaddict, wla din naman ako nafeefeel na satisfaction.. unlike other people. pero malakas ako magyosi, siguro dahil pati dad ko nagsmoke. i smoked lang kasi sabi nila nakakapayat yun. =) i stopped kasi lalong dumadami pimples ko.. sympre mas umiral ang vanity ko!!! hehe. nowadays, sobrang minsan na lang.. pero as much as possible, i dont smoke na.
6. i love nature tripping. pero at the same time, makabayan din ako.. kaya nga ang dream ko talaga, pumuntang palawan. not italy, not spain, not the states, sa philippines lang po ako. hindi din sa boracay kasi sobrang overrated ata yun. gusto ko lang palawan.. sa el nido. (kung pwede nga sa amanpulo e!!) gusto ko pumuntang underground caves, magsnorkeling, at magmountain climbing.. tuwang tuwa me kapag nakakakita me ng madaming green.. hehe yung tipong forest. i also love the beach.. i swim a lot nung bata ako.. kaya siguro maitim din ako at hindi na ako pumuti. swimming talaga first sport ko e. kaya nga gusto ko talaga pumunta sa ilalim ng dagat!!!
7. i wanted to be a writer ang layo no? from writer naging accountant. kaya ata hirap na hirap me nung nagstart ako magaral ng accountancy. kasi hindi ko talaga gusto yung subject. feeling ko nadeprive ako ng gusto ko. pero eventually, nagustuhan ko na din. feeling ko nga eto ata talaga plano sa akin ng Diyos kasi sobrang swertehan lang talaga.. first, nung entrance exam ko sa la salle, sobrang feeling ko hindi me papasa kasi hula lang talaga math part ko. akalain mo pang napasok ako sa quota course!! tapos everytime na gusto ko magshift, may nangyayari.. either nahuhuli ako sa application or hindi pwde.. tapos syempre nung board exam! sabit lang grade ko no! pro dun ko na talga na feel na siguro meant to be an accountant ako.. hehe masyado bang madrama? pero totoo. yun talaga ang nafeefeel ko. =)
8. i don't drink coffee but i love coffee/cappucino flavored ice cream! (huhuhu.. kahit hindi ko gusto ang kape, napipilitan ako lalo na pag overtime..can't help it.. need to stay awake!)i only drink coffee kapag madaming creamer.. ayaw ko nung sobrang pait.. hehe ang naiinom ko lang sa starbucks is mocha frappe.. yun lang. pero pag ice cream, favorite ko talaga coffee flavored!!!! hehe lalo na yung coffee crumble... (but i love the coffee jelly of starbucks!! saraaap!!!)
9. my favorite cartoon character is tweety... sobrang fanatic ako dati!! kaya nga mga gifts ko puro tweety palagi. nakikipagaway pa ko dati. sabi ko babae si tweety, lalaki naman pala!!! =) pero i also love mulan.. grabe ilang beses kong pinanuod yung cartoons na yun. pano ganda nung story (although hindi ganun yung nangyari sa real life) saka syempre nandun si lea salongga! kahit boses lang... =)
10. I'm a deprived animal-lover... If I had my way, punong puno na siguro ang bahay namin ng kung anu-anong hayop! Pero as it is, bawal sa building na rinerent namin kaya wala akong pets.. huhu.. I still remember that when I was a kid, I'd take home any animal that I would see in the streets. I even took home a box of kittens (mga 6 ata nandun) that I saw near the dumpster in our school. (elementary pa lang me nun ha..) Pero I can't keep them. So pinapamigay na lang namin sa mga kakilala.. huhuhu.. saka when I was in the states, iiwan lang ako ng mga kasama ko sa pet store, then they'd go shopping. Pag balik nila, nandun pa din ako.. for me, that was heaven!! =) hehehe..
11. I don't go to mass.. Siguro tuwing Christmas season lang ako nag ma-mass dahil sa simbang gabi.. Pero usually I don't. It's not that I don't believe in God. I do! Pero I have my reservations regarding mass. Wala lang.. It's hard to explain pero ganun tlaga. I'd rather go to the church when there's no people, yung I can take my time praying to God on my own. Ganun. =) hehe.. weird no?
12. i already have my wedding planned. as in yung place yung gown, yung motif, yung reception, yung invitation. lahat naayos ko na sa utak ko.. hehe pwede na nga ako ikasal e, lam ko na gagawin ko! pero may kulang! kulang lang ng GROOM!!!!! hahaha.

Friend or Fiend?

Friends.. friends come and go. Some of them you'll never ever see again, some you will have for the rest of your life. Nevertheless, true friends become a part of your life in a certain way that you know you'll never forget them. True friends are gems, they are diamonds.. They are rare and hard to find, that's why when you find a true friend, you should cherish them with all your heart and soul.
I have friends that I love unconditionally. Friends that I will never ever let go of.. They are those that know me for who I really am. They are those who keeps quiet when they know something is bothering me and I'm fuming inside; knowing that I just need a few minutes to get my temper down. They are those who know that what pisses me off is when people talk badly about other people. They are those who know that I am not what I seem, I am not what most people think. They know all my quirks and weirdness.. But they still accept me. Those are the friends that I thank God for. Friends that I am so happy and proud to have.
But sometimes, I wonder why I am even friends with certain people. Sure, they're fun to be with.. you get along well, you enjoy talking to each other.. But when will you say that enough is enough? I have friends that often make me wonder why in heaven's name am I friends with them? I wonder if they are truly my friends when most of the time I just tolerate them, I feel pressured to be with them and the worst of all, I have no choice but to be with them!
My idea of a true friend is someone who will support you in whatever you will do. The kind who will let you do your own decisions, and when you fail, will be right there to help pick you up. Someone who, even if you don't spend that much time together, will be there for you whenever you call them and ask for help. Friends accept you for who you are. For all your flaws and imperfections....
I DO NOT think that friends are those who discourages you every time you open your mouth. Friends DO NOT make you feel inferior whenever you are with them. Friends DO NOT laugh at your every dream and aspirations. Friends DO NOT praise other people in front of you just so you'll feel that they believe HE can do it and you can't. Friends DO NOT leave you behind just to be with her better and fun'ner' friend; and comes back to you when that uber friend is not around.
Whenever I think about why I even became friends with these people, it just amazes me.. How can I be friends with them? What was I thinking? I know I am supposed to accept friends as who they are.. But sometimes, you also have to think if they are good for you. Good for your heart, your soul, your entire being. You can't continue to be friends with people who makes you want to give up in life.. Who makes you feel that you are worthless and that you cannot achieve anything.. =(
People think you are the best of friends with someone just because you are together most of the time. Because you're inseparable. But they are wrong. My best friend and I may not see each other that often. May not even talk as much as I want to. But I know he is my best friend because I am sure that he will be there when I need him, that he will listen when I need to talk and he will be there to tell me if I am wrong, when I am wrong. (and vice versa) And because we can talk about anything under the sun..
But the people I am constantly with, those who others think are my best friends, turn out to be no more than acquaintances. It's like they know who I am.. but they don't know WHO I really am.
FRIEND and FIEND. Very close words.. Yet they have very different meanings. Sometimes I mistake one for the other and vice versa. Maybe these friends of mine are not really my friends, but FIENDS... Maybe the R that is missing stands for REALIZATION. You'll only know the difference and to which category your friends belong to when you have made a realization on who they really are and not who they appear to be. So, are they my friends or fiends? Only time will tell...